Thursday, July 29, 2010
Tips for Family Violence
Violence in relationships are a common scenario and sky rocketing in this tough economy. I teach and train women in the community on violence and how to name abuse and how to get help. Men as well as women are abused, but we know more women go seek help. There are many forms of violence. Let me name a few:
Violence toward Property or Pets
Many of us do not realize that abuse is not ONLY physical. Researchers state that men and women that are in abusive relationships say that they would rather have the physical abuse occur because physical abuse heals. The wounds from verbal, psychological, or emotional can stay with us for years to come. One must seek counsel in some form or another to heal the trauma.
I teach the women that I train on violence, there is hope to end this cycle of abuse. In order for the cycle to continue, there are two main fuels to keep it going.
Please see the violence wheel above. You will see that in the middle, what keeps the cycle going, is power and control. At the outside of the wheel is the different forms of abuse. Inside, are the dynamics and how they play out in the relationship. For example: One of the triangles talks about isolation. Many women in abusive relationships are kept away from their loved ones. Many times women as well as men, will keep this a secret because of the shame and guilt they feel.
There are some red flags that can help you identify if you are in a abusive relationship.
•Is your partner telling you what you can and cannot wear?
•Is your partner jealous or asking where you are often?
•Are you financially equal in your relationship- Example: Do you have to ask for money, even if your the bread winner? Is your partner controlling the money?
•Are you able to voice your opinion on issues- A healthy relationship is based on equality.
•Are you getting texted, emailed, called, via phone where you feel uncomfortable?
•Are you able to work and/ or follow your bliss, or does your partner feel insecure and escalate when your doing what you enjoy?
•Is your partner telling you who you can be with and even telling you what to say to your family and friends?
•Are you able to be with people you love without scorn from your partner?
It takes only six months to see the cycle of violence occur in your relationship.
Do not ignore the signs or red flags of abuse, it could cost you your life. We give women safety plans that help keep them safe.
The Boston Bar Journal states that battered women are often severely injured.-( 22-35% of women) who visit medical emergency rooms are there for injuries related to ongoing partner abuse.
Women who leave their batterers are at a 75% greater risk of being killed by the batterer than those who stay as stated by the National Coalition against domestic violence.
Two out of three female victims of violence knew their attacker and a woman is beaten every 15 seconds according to the bureau of justice.
Articles in battered womens journals, indicate that women of all cultures,races, occupations,income levels and ages are battered.
I just facilitated a training in my community on Wednesday. I trained for one hour, gave the women a break, and by the time we came back for one more hour, I learned one of the women had been beaten when she went to pick up her things from her abuser. She did everything right. She took an advocate and staff member with her, from a nonprofit, that helps support women in abuse. She was pulled in her old apartment by her ex- boyfriend. The moment her ex- boy friend saw her, he pulled her in, locked the door and brutally beat her. The police were called and she is now unrecognizable to her friends and family.
" To have one's individuality completely ignored is like being pushed quite out of life. Like being blown out as one blows out a light." Evelyn Scott
I have trained for fifteen years in the area of violence/perpetration and hope. I would not take this heavy issue or cause on, if I did not believe there is hope. My hope is that you will befriend those that share with you their secret of abuse . Let them know every community has a crisis line and they can receive support.
Please commit your lives to nonviolence, as violence starts within each of us if we choose to let it. Please choose peace. Go out in the world and exude peace. May peace be with each of you. Know that no one deserves to be put down, hurt physically, or emotionally. Know you did not cause the abuse. One chooses to abuse and one can choose to stay or leave an abusive relationship.
Posted by Laura Rogers at 11:23 PM