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Saturday, May 15, 2010

Second Chance



My good friend Sean and I were hanging out on Lake Minnetonka.  We were boating with many of our  good friends.  Sean was loved by all, as his energy was so light filled.  He would walk into the room and everyone felt his warmth and loving spirit. Today was even more special since it was Sean's birthday.  The entire gang was there to show Sean how much we all loved him and we were all so excited to share in his birthday. 

We went to park the Bay liner boat at the Minnetonka Mist, a restaurant that had dock side service. We had planned to have Sean's birthday dinner here because it was his favorite spot.  He loved the shrimp basket and had ordered that for ten years now.  Sean and I met working at the Mist as caterers.  We knew everything there was to know about each other.  We were kindred spirits.  We had shared our big secret, one year into our friendship.  Who knew we both had very keen intuition or ESP.   We could tell each other stories for hours and hours and hours.  The longer we got to know each other, the more we could feel how the other felt or actually see where the other one was, without knowing in the typical way.  This extra keen perception was just normal to us.  As we all got off the boat and waited for the rest of the gang to exit, we were shocked.  This could not be happening...

Sean stayed in the boat and  gave a farewell speech.  He talked about how lonely he really was and felt so alone that the only out was death.  We all gasped and begged him to rethink this horrifying plan.  I remember feeling as if I must have been a fare weather buddy if he was gonna take his life.  We all felt that way.  I mean, why would someone who was so loved and surrounded by rich friendships want to die?  How could I have not known?   I mean, Sean and I could feel each others pain and joy no matter what. 

Sean was crying so hard that his tears were  running down his bright red cheeks.  This was the type of cry you'd liken to the crying you did as a kid.  He sounded like a wounded animal.  This did not seem to be like the Sean I knew and loved.  In the next moment which seemed forever, we all witnessed Sean diving off the boat and into the water. The water was so clear we could see him fall to the bottom.  None of us could believe this was actually happening.  Was it a dream we were all having together? This was an absolute nightmare.

We all held on to each other in sheer pain, we could not breathe.  After three hours of the gang looking for Sean, we knew it was over.  Sean was gone and there was nothing we could do about it.  We had the water patrol diving and searching in the deep sea weed for days to find Sean.   When we all left the Minnetonka Mist that night at four in the morning we felt so alone and grief stricken.  I wonder if my pain was anything like the pain Sean had felt before he plunged to his death.  I asked the angels in my dreams that night if Sean was at peace, is he here with me?  I heard nothing, no answer back, even as intuitive as I have been all my life.  I knew when it is someone close to you , you may not feel or hear them on the other side if your grief is to great.  Why, I asked my lord and the angels, why should I be able to intuit other peoples pain on the other side, but not the one I love?

 Weeks later, no answer as to where Sean was.  Every night on the news it was the top story, the  disappearance that no one could ever imagine.   I was not ready to face the world.  My friends and family begged me to get back out into life and live again.    Laura, you have to live again, get out of the house, you need to keep busy, they would say.  I felt like if I did get back to life as normal, it would somehow say I was not honoring Sean, or honoring the real grief I was feeling.  I will try to go out and try to be normal.   I don't know how the rest of the gang felt, but I did not think I could  get back into my life again.

  I ran to the local Walgreen's to get aspirin for my child who was battling a headache.  As I walked into the Walgreen's I spotted a man that looked so much like Sean.  I knew I was grieving so perhaps since this was my first time back out I had just envisioned it to be Sean.  Things like this happen when one is grieving a loss.  Sometimes it is hard for me to distinguish the difference between my visions and reality.  I knew all the steps of grief as a psychotherapist by trade.  I went down the isles and felt the pangs of my loss.  No one or nothing felt normal to me.  The world looked darker to me and my happy demeanor was replaced by sadness, anxiety and pain. I dragged my feet through the store as if an anchor had been clasped to my leg. 

I walked out to my Jeep Cherokee in a daze.  My heart was so heavy and I felt I would never be the same.  I got into my car ready to go home and share with my twin sister what the first day out was like.  She may tell me I am crazy.  No, She will understand, she is my twin and knows grief herself.  She also knows that I am intuitive and perhaps I did see Sean. 

I fumbled to turn the car ignition on.  I plopped my  bag from Walgreen's on the passenger seat.  I sighed hoping that this day would end soon, it was too hard to have Sean in my mind and on my heart and know I could never hold him again.  We were best friends, but as of late, our friendship turned into a story book love affair.  I had heard stories of best friends ending up together as lovers, but this was so amazing that I would ask my twin sister to pinch me, I was so happy.  I knew Sean felt the same.  I could count on him telling me daily how much he loved me and my children.  He wanted to marry me now, but I told him if this is for the rest of our lives, lets wait till my kids graduate.  Our love will only be stronger then.  Our relationship was so solid.  I had never had a relationship like this before with a man.  I knew that Sean and I were supposed to be together and the timing was just right.  The divine plan was here and it was set.  Sean  always respected my opinions, especially when it came to  my motherhood intuitions or when it came to my children. 

My heart ache was too much to bear.  I felt like my head weighed down my entire body.  My whole being ached in emotional pain.  Why, I asked God and my angels, would this happen when Sean and I were so in love?

I turned to switch my car radio on, and in my peripheral vision I saw Sean.  Am I dreaming,  I asked myself?  There he was, Sean sitting in the front seat looking chipper as if nothing ever happened.  Sean I said, how can you be here right now, you died jumping to your death into Lake Minnetonka?  He was dressed in a pair of worn jeans that had a hole in each leg.  His tight body filled his Levi jeans.  I felt so excited.   His shirt was a Hollister button up, a blue pin striped shirt that showed his well formed arms and chest.  He looked so great.  How could this be?

Sean saw my excitement and awe and grabbed my face.  He gently kissed my mouth for what seemed one moment.  It was one hour later when Sean explained what had happened to him.  We were blubbering like two high school kids in love, telling each other how much we loved each other and couldn't stop kissing.  My heart was open again and I felt as if the world was back to normal.  The black I saw earlier in life turned to a bright radiant light.  I felt like Sean and I were given a second chance. 

A second chance, can this really happen?  I could not believe my best friend was back.  I could not wait to let Linda, my twin, know that a miracle occurred and the nightmare of Sean's death was over.  I asked Sean if he had contacted his parents to let them know he was OK?  This is when Sean told me what had happened.  .......

I felt the warm gentle wind blowing my covers back and forth.  I keep my windows open and the wind against my face felt safe and comforting.  I rolled over and next to me laid Sean.  He turned to me and said like he always did, "Good morning sunshine."  I grabbed Sean so hard and kissed him even harder. " Woe, Laura, you look as if you have seen a ghost."  Sean,  you died, you died, but thank God it was just a dream.  It seemed so real.  I  love you so much Sean, " I love you too Laura." We held on to each other knowing we were given a second chance.

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