"Mommy, I need you"

I remember the strong, heart wrenching emotions as if it happened yesterday. I knew mom was sick, but this was unfathomable. Here I was, only nine years old and feeling as if my entire world just ended. The darkness, the fear, the questions, were all too real in my young mind. Why, Why, Why?

Dad called us all into the living room early one morning. I knew this couldn't be good. My dad was not the type to just call us five kids into a room for a talk. I could feel my stomach turn and drop as I heard him speak- "Kids, your mom passed away last night. She was too sick for the doctors to make her better. She is gone."

I remember feeling as if someone literally sucked all the life energy out of my body. I felt week, dizzy-"this must all be a dream" I thought to myself. My bright world suddenly drew dark and dank around me.  Dad repeated the words again...."Mom is gone."

Running and screaming back into my bedroom felt like I was in a movie. It was as if time was in slow motion. Maybe this is just a bad nightmare and I will wake up.   I ran crying, screaming and exclaiming, No, No, No! The four other kids in the family watched me run out and I couldn't figure out how they could just sit there.

I flung myself over my bed, tears streaming down so fast that my pillow became like a wet wash cloth. How could God do this? Why me? What did I do wrong? My room is supposed to be my safe place, but nothing feels safe right now.

The days ahead were more of a blur than a reality. I felt as if I was disconnected from every thing, everyone, nothing seemed real to me. The joyous, enthusiastic Laura I had come to be known for was gone for now. I was just a shallow shell going through the motions.  The adults in my life felt it best that we go back to school after one day.

Art class was healing that week. All I could think about was my mom, how I lost her, how I needed to let her know how much I needed her and that I loved her so much. We were making clay objects that week, so I knew what I had to do. I would make mom a clay heart with the inscription, "I love you mom." 

At mom's funeral that week, there was not a dry eye in the room when I placed the heart on top of my mom's heart in her coffin. Sobs came from every direction. Aunts, uncles, cousins and family friends tried ever so hard to help us through this horror. I remember being so confused and sobbing uncontrollably as the wake guests walked up one after another to view my mom. One of my aunts, a stern Catholic nun, told me and my twin sister how terrible my mom looked. I was so mad at her for saying that to me.

I walked up to view mom since it was something we were told we had to do. I so did not want to see mom this way. I was so afraid. I walked up slowly, hoping I could get out of the line and run. I was next and saw her lying there with her hands on her chest. She was in a dress I saw her in so many times before. I could hardly breathe. This was the most morbid, scary thing I had ever seen. That is not my mom I thought. She was so lifeless. She looked so pale and frightening. This was like a living nightmare. I was devastated and traumatized.

Two nights later as I lay in my bed talking to God and obsessing about the death of my mom, I knew sleep was not going to come easy for me. I was so depressed, anxious and afraid of falling asleep. I sat there looking up at the ceiling for who knows how many hours. I looked over and saw my twin sister was fast asleep. We were sleeping in mom's old bedroom and bed that she pretty much died in. She started the dying process in her bed and her last breath was at the hospital.

I looked down the hallway of my bedroom and noticed someone must have turned on the light. I thought it odd since I knew the light was just off minutes before. This light was soft in nature and seemed to get closer to my room. I was intrigued to say the least, thinking this is not like the hall light normally looks. It kept coming closer and closer, and before I knew it, the light was in my room.

Hovering over the end of my bed was a translucent silhouette of my lovely mother in a long white gown. I had to shake my head in disbelief  because I knew this could not be real. I looked again and it was absolutely my mom. I said, "mom, your dead how can you be here?"  "I am fine dear, it's all going to be OK." Mom looked like an angel and appeared like a misty vapor.  I could see her face, but I could see through her. She looked like so pretty, like she did before she was sick. "Mom, I need you." "Everything is going to be OK Laura."  She was now hovering right at my bedside next to me. Mom, your so beautiful. Are you OK? Yes dear, I am fine and you and the other kids will be too." Mom sat with me for what seemed just an instant, but also a life time.

Mom smiled at me in total love and  floated back down the hallway, just as she came. The light was bright leaving my room but began to fade until she disappeared.

It was the first hard sleep I'd gotten since mother's death. I believe mom knew I needed to see her to believe she was safe with God. To this day, I treasure the gift she gave me. Love never dies, it just transforms.