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Friday, September 23, 2011

GBE2- Loyalty

Loyalty brings up many feelings for me. To be "loyal" is a powerful concept in any relationship.  I don't really know exactly how we learn how to be loyal, but for me it is a "must" in any positive, healthy relationship. I believe part of how we learn to be loyal is through role modeling in our own family of origin. Nature and nurture plays a role in how we learn this important trait. Loyalty is of the essence when we look at it in relationship to good friends, lovers, partners, pets...... I said in a positive relationship which does not hold true to a relationship that is brought down by brokenness.(Violence/Abuse)

Recently, I felt one of my best friends in the world, didn't show loyalty to me which hurt tremendously. To me, when you love your friends, loyalty comes with it.  Several lovely women friends of mine met for cocktails and appetizers and I wasn't able to be there.  The topic came up about me and the reason I left my ex husband. The women talked about how they were proud of me for leaving a very emotional, psychological, and verbally abusive man back in 2004.  I know abuse is sometimes hard to see to the outside world, but one of my best friends blatantly pointed out that she loved my ex and didn't believe he was abusive. I felt like I was punched in the gut.

I want to be clear that spiritually, I have come to a point in my life where I don't want OR need any one's validation or approval of why I left a very dangerous man.  I know what I lived with and no one that hasn't walked in my shoes could know the hell I endured.  It was never my agenda that people believe me, and approve. I knew I did the right thing for my children and I never had one regret. To hear that one of my best friends spoke as though I made up an abuse story about my past marriage is hard to swallow. I was hurt because I wish she could've been loyal to me. My other friends were appalled at this disclosure when they knew that my relationship with my ex husband was almost the death of me. They made a point to let her know that they completely supported and believed what I went through.

" A friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future, and accepts you just the way you are" Anonymous


14 comments:

  1. I'm sorry to hear this. You're right, it's not about her validating your choices, but about her not showing loyalty to you. I'm glad you have other friends.

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  2. Wow, that would have hit me really hard, too. In fact, I think that her statement would change the friendship for me, forever. One of the very ways in which you are defined is as a woman strong enough to save herself and her children--something many who are abused are not able to do--and in just a handful of words, she devalued that and even even made it seem as though you had misrepresented such a devastating situation.

    Just wow.

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  3. Sorry about the revelation of your friend. But, she obviously never really was your friend. I'm glad you came out from the dark tunnel of that marriage.

    Enjoy your day!

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  4. Ouch is right. I read somewhere that everyone that enters your life, changes it. Some are here for a moment, others a lifetime.
    Wow, you should be so proud of who you are and what you've accomplished. Your friend sounds like she has a major journey to undertake.

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  5. Oh, yeah, that last line is exactly right. We all have turncoat friends and that's just life, but the friends who run to cover our backs are the ones we value forever.
    great post. And I am sorry you had to experience all that except it did give you a little more backbone, didn't it?

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  6. So where are your comments? I am sure I commented here! didn't I?

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  7. Word nerd,
    Your so right. I am really processing this and coming to terms with whether I put any energy into her. boo hoo

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  8. Jo,
    I love how you worded it as turn coat friend. Love that. Anyhoo, yes, it made me see that I can't trust her and she is not a true friend. Ouch

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  9. Gene Pool Diva,
    Wow, your so right on. She has quite a journey ahead. She is closing her eyes to reality.

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  10. Beach lover
    Thanks so much for the moral support. I am proud I moved on from darkness to light.

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  11. Word nerd,
    Your words really touched me. Those few words she chose to use, put a dagger in my heart. I guess I learned a good lesson of the level of our friendship.

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  12. Sarah
    Your words are so right. I am blessed to have other friends that I can count on.

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  13. Someone like that is definitely not a friend. And, besides, no-one really knows what goes on behind closed doors, do they?

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  14. Paula
    Here Here, no one knows what is really happening in a marriage inside the home. I know I stand strong and am so happy and never had ONE regret

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