My own childhood had scads of pain and chaos scattered through it. As a psycho-therapist by trade, I now know that dysfunction in families is normal. There is no perfect family. As much as we want to believe in idealistic childhoods, odds are, not so much. Not Perfect.
Blessed is to live in my home now with my kids and my identical twin sister after thirteen years of living in and with the cycle of abuse. My life was like a Friday night horror flick filled with confusion, fear, and thick black oppression. I am using the exact words that my domestic abuse group used. I fought to breathe and at times, I really couldn't breathe. The dark, exhausting, empty,superficial and sinister energy was all encompassing. It drained my once abundant life energy,stained and permeated every space and every place in my home. Even in a tropical paradise with him, I was miserable. I was stuck, abused, scared, lonely and ashamed. How could I have ever made a decision to be with someone so void of emotion and empathy.
Home is supposed be comfortable and a place of safety, solidarity, a sanctuary. This was not a home. Only a rare few courageous friends and family dared question the darting stares, anger outbursts and personality inconsistencies in him.
I had made a home at college in my simple dorm room, and apartment off campus later in my college career. I made a home after college at another apartment. No matter where I am, I will make a home. I made a home with my ex husband In fact, I made two with him because we also owned a cabin up north together. But was it a home? This is a morsel for you to critically think about. I sold this lovely cabin with lovely people whom I made lasting friendships with. I had all the toys that go along with having a place to go "up North". I had by all societies standards everything ...... Arrived....... ski, pontoon, and fishing boats, a timeshare in Cancun Mexico, snowmobiles, jet ski's.....bla bla bla.
When it came down to it all of that mattered naught to me. I have never placed a high value on money, wealth, or material wealth. The only thing I truly cared about was my children and I, our freedom and serenity. God taught me great life lessons: Great wealth comes from happiness, relationships, peace, using your God given gifts, and love. You can not buy love, you can not take wealth or materials with you when you go. You must live life with eyes wide open. Questioning and Assertiveness is positive and perhaps may save you. Do not pretend if the life your living is not what you hoped for. It's OK to be sad, it's OK to be honest with friends if your relationship is complicated. You will survive with your integrity even after some family and friends don't believe you. It is OK that you trusted him. You will find peace again, but it will be a deeper, more powerful uplifting peace. You will come out on the other side of the hell you once knew with a sureness about most everything. You will not care so much about what others think about you because you know who you are and what you endured.
The home I presently abide, was where the ever present house of horrors hung cold and dank. This is where my children were raised and it's also where danger soaked the walls which have now been cleared. All that darkness and fear turned into harmony, peace and gratitude. My home now is full of light, love, learning, laughing and freedom.
Home is where the heart is. Please know that a home should be a place of great love, comfort and support. We all have a choice to abide in a house of love----
"Happiness resides not in possessions and not in gold- the feeling of happiness dwells in the soul"- Demoritus