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Sunday, October 7, 2012

"Mommy, I need you"

I remember the strong, heart wrenching emotions as if it happened yesterday. I knew mom was sick, but this was unfathomable. Here I was, only nine years old and feeling as if my entire world just ended. The darkness, the fear, the questions, were all too real in my young mind. Why, Why, Why?

Dad called us all into the living room early one morning. I knew this couldn't be good. My dad was not the type to just call us five kids into a room for a talk. I could feel my stomach turn and drop as I heard him speak- "Kids, your mom passed away last night. She was too sick for the doctors to make her better. She is gone."

I remember feeling as if someone literally sucked all the life energy out of my body. I felt week, dizzy-"this must all be a dream" I thought to myself. My bright world suddenly drew dark and dank around me.  Dad repeated the words again...."Mom is gone."

Running and screaming back into my bedroom felt like I was in a movie. It was as if time was in slow motion. Maybe this is just a bad nightmare and I will wake up.   I ran crying, screaming and exclaiming, No, No, No! The four other kids in the family watched me run out and I couldn't figure out how they could just sit there.

I flung myself over my bed, tears streaming down so fast that my pillow became like a wet wash cloth. How could God do this? Why me? What did I do wrong? My room is supposed to be my safe place, but nothing feels safe right now.

The days ahead were more of a blur than a reality. I felt as if I was disconnected from every thing, everyone, nothing seemed real to me. The joyous, enthusiastic Laura I had come to be known for was gone for now. I was just a shallow shell going through the motions.  The adults in my life felt it best that we go back to school after one day.

Art class was healing that week. All I could think about was my mom, how I lost her, how I needed to let her know how much I needed her and that I loved her so much. We were making clay objects that week, so I knew what I had to do. I would make mom a clay heart with the inscription, "I love you mom." 

At mom's funeral that week, there was not a dry eye in the room when I placed the heart on top of my mom's heart in her coffin. Sobs came from every direction. Aunts, uncles, cousins and family friends tried ever so hard to help us through this horror. I remember being so confused and sobbing uncontrollably as the wake guests walked up one after another to view my mom. One of my aunts, a stern Catholic nun, told me and my twin sister how terrible my mom looked. I was so mad at her for saying that to me.

I walked up to view mom since it was something we were told we had to do. I so did not want to see mom this way. I was so afraid. I walked up slowly, hoping I could get out of the line and run. I was next and saw her lying there with her hands on her chest. She was in a dress I saw her in so many times before. I could hardly breathe. This was the most morbid, scary thing I had ever seen. That is not my mom I thought. She was so lifeless. She looked so pale and frightening. This was like a living nightmare. I was devastated and traumatized.

Two nights later as I lay in my bed talking to God and obsessing about the death of my mom, I knew sleep was not going to come easy for me. I was so depressed, anxious and afraid of falling asleep. I sat there looking up at the ceiling for who knows how many hours. I looked over and saw my twin sister was fast asleep. We were sleeping in mom's old bedroom and bed that she pretty much died in. She started the dying process in her bed and her last breath was at the hospital.

I looked down the hallway of my bedroom and noticed someone must have turned on the light. I thought it odd since I knew the light was just off minutes before. This light was soft in nature and seemed to get closer to my room. I was intrigued to say the least, thinking this is not like the hall light normally looks. It kept coming closer and closer, and before I knew it, the light was in my room.

Hovering over the end of my bed was a translucent silhouette of my lovely mother in a long white gown. I had to shake my head in disbelief  because I knew this could not be real. I looked again and it was absolutely my mom. I said, "mom, your dead how can you be here?"  "I am fine dear, it's all going to be OK." Mom looked like an angel and appeared like a misty vapor.  I could see her face, but I could see through her. She looked like so pretty, like she did before she was sick. "Mom, I need you." "Everything is going to be OK Laura."  She was now hovering right at my bedside next to me. Mom, your so beautiful. Are you OK? Yes dear, I am fine and you and the other kids will be too." Mom sat with me for what seemed just an instant, but also a life time.

Mom smiled at me in total love and  floated back down the hallway, just as she came. The light was bright leaving my room but began to fade until she disappeared.

It was the first hard sleep I'd gotten since mother's death. I believe mom knew I needed to see her to believe she was safe with God. To this day, I treasure the gift she gave me. Love never dies, it just transforms.





14 comments:

  1. What a sad and yet beautiful post. What a gift your mom gave you ... her presence in your darkest hour. Thank you for sharing!

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  2. Jenn

    thanks so much. It was time for me to write it. I will never forget it.

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  3. This was beautiful Laura.
    I too lost my mom as a young child. My sister was 10 and I had just turned 13. It never leaves you even if you think it is buried deep deep down.
    And while I can't remember where the hell my keys were left I have very vivid memories of all events surrounding this.

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    1. Margaret,
      It does stay deep down doesn't it? Hee Hee I also lose my keys.

      Thanks for stopping by the stoop

      Laura

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  4. Very sad and poignant. I was especially touched by the clay heart.

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    1. Bronwyn

      Thanks so much. The clay heart was at least something I could do to feel some healing.

      Laura

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  5. I will never forget the peace mom's visit gave you and me. I understood why she came to you. You were the youngest and were outwardly in more pain,and mom knew it. That visit was such a blessing. I know seeing mom healthy and beautiful was so healing for you.

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  6. What a beautiful story, Laura. I was blessed to have have my mother with me until she turned 100. I can't imagine what it would have been like to lose her at such a young age. Your vision was truly miraculous, and I'm so glad the Lord gave you the comfort of seeing her again and knowing she was safe.

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    1. Elaine,
      How lucky you were to have mom around till 100. Yes, the lord did give me quite a gift. I wish she would let me feel her and see her at this age. I sure could use my mom around now.


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  7. This is beautiful, Laura. I lost my mom young, too. She came to visit me a handful of years ago, when I was having a very difficult time. I've always known and felt her presence with me, but that visit was the most precious gift.

    Thank you for sharing the story of yours. ♥

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    1. Beth
      wow, I love that we both had this wonderful gift given to us. So glad you sat on my stoop. I wish mom could come to me now as life is chuck full of stress.

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  8. This may be your finest writing. A tear may have fallen as I read, but my heart is filled with warmth and compassion and faith. You received the most valuable gift a mother could possibly give her baby. You were truly blessed.
    I haven't been to the stoop in way too long!

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    1. Jo
      I am touched you say this is my finest writing. It is funny because the night I wrote this my heart just poured it out and it was so natural and easy. I guess REAL moments in time just flow from us authors.
      Thanks so much for coming to my stoop. I have not been writing as much as normal since there has been a lot going on in my life.

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  9. What a wonderful gift you were given. My mom died a few years back now, joining my dad in Heaven. We knew it was coming, and I can't believe I did this, but I asked if she would please give me a sign that she was all right. That was the farthest thing from my mind the morning she passed away. But as the hearse pulled away, I got my reassurance sign. I will not go into it, but it was definitely her message to me, and it made me laugh! It could only have been from my dad and her. Maybe someday I will write about it. For now, this is enough. God bless you. And if you don't know for sure, 100%, you are going to Heaven, make sure you do that today! You know you can know, right?

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