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Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Baseball Mom

Last night I went to my son Jacob's baseball game in Orono.  My twin and I were worried since it was so hot and humid, specifically, 95 degrees.  Linda and I are more cautious of weather conditions now that she has had lung cancer.  She is six years cancer free and I worry about her now that she has a compromised immune system and lung condition.  They removed the middle lobe of her right lung and she went underwent aggressive chemo and radiation.  I wondered if Linda would make Jacob's whole baseball game but hoped for the best.

We sat under towering pines which gave us perfect shade.  We could feel the soft gentle breeze blowing on us, as if to say, "your not going anywhere but staying to watch Jacob."  There is no better way to spend a summer night than watching your son play his favorite sport.  It also doesn't hurt that he is extremely good at baseball which is just icing on the cake.

It was a lovely evening to say the least.  We watched Jacob in amazement.  He is a natural gifted baseball player.  My favorite part was hearing the bat connect with the ball and make that noise.  Crack!!  He got on base every time and ended up with one double and a triple. 

We sat under the beautiful pines drinking water and soda from our cooler.  At one point of the game Linda said, "sis, it doesn't get better than this."  I had to agree.

I love my son.  He is such a good young man. 

I am proud to be his mom.

Monday, May 24, 2010

Date: Mon, 24 May 2010 16:07:14 -0500

I WANT:   I want to see how my twin answered this because we are so much alike I am sure most of mine will be identical to her answers.  We even say paragraphs in totality, exactly the same and people just look at us like we are from Mars.  Anywhoo, I want there to be peace on earth.  I want war to end and love to conquer all.  War, it solves nothing.  When will human kind learn that.  

I HAVE: I have everything I need.  I have family who loves me, friends, talents and gifts, Love to give, Debt, but I have all I need.

I WISH: I wish the man Sean I dreamdt about the other night was real.  "Sean, Where are you?"

I HATE:  I  do not like violence.  I train communities on how to be non-violent.  I left my childrens' dad because violence was his middle name. 

I MISS: I miss my  parents who have gone, my relatives, my ex boyfriend who died at the US Open by lightning, my brother to addiction.

I HEAR:  I hear more than the average bear.  I have a gift of intuition.  It serves me well.  I listen and hear with my heart.

I WONDER: I wonder if those I love on the other side are still with me.  I have felt them and talked to them, but lately I do not feel them.  I wonder what heaven is like.  Will it be as awesome as I have dreamdt it to be?

I REGRET:  I regret that I have not lived life to the fullest each and every day.  The older I get, the wiser I get.  I wish I would have never let anyone ever step on me. 

I AM NOT:  I am not superficial.  I have a bubbly personality and many in my life that first meet me, think it can't be real.  Well, here I am, and I love who I am, and I am real.  Maybe extremely happy most of the time, but this is me.  Take me or leave me.

I DANCE: I dance in my blogs, writings, hubs, with my kids.  Life is a dance.  I am the author of that dance.

I SING: I love to sing and sing often many times to the embarrassment of my kids.  I was invited to sing at Carnegie Hall, but it was way too expensive.  Oh, that is what I regret.

I CRY:  I cry for the children in the world that have been hurt.  I cry for myself who grew up with too much pain.  I feel good now.  God is good. Pain can be healed.

I AM NOT ALWAYS:  I am not always happy.  I at times feel sad and hurt and lonely.  I am good  at verbalizing my emotions and gettting support from family and friends when I need to. 

I MAKE WITH MY HANDS:  I create my hubs and blogs with my hands.  I hold my children with my hands.  I massaged my dad often with my hands before he passed away.  I have facilitated healings with my hands.  I have started my book with my hands called " Angels Don't Need Wings to Fly."  Hands are one way to the heart and there are many.

I WRITE: I write often at home and work.  I write proposals, word documents, excel, stories, hubs and blogs.  Writing helps me feel alive.  My creativity comes out mostly in what I write.  Writing is a self-care skill I use to feel to refresh.

I CONFUSE:  I confuse myself with numbers.  Nope not good with math.  Not good with numbers.

I NEED: Connection

I SHOULD: Thank God for all he has given me in my life. I should also teach women more often how to listen to their higher voice or intuition.

I START: I can say I actually started biking this spring and am on week 6.

I FINISH: I finish my blogs and NEVER edit them, just publish right away. I do not do drafts.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Second Chance

My good friend Sean and I were hanging out on Lake Minnetonka.  We were boating with many of our  good friends.  Sean was loved by all, as his energy was so light filled.  He would walk into the room and everyone felt his warmth and loving spirit. Today was even more special since it was Sean's birthday.  The entire gang was there to show Sean how much we all loved him and we were all so excited to share in his birthday. 

We went to park the Bay liner boat at the Minnetonka Mist, a restaurant that had dock side service. We had planned to have Sean's birthday dinner here because it was his favorite spot.  He loved the shrimp basket and had ordered that for ten years now.  Sean and I met working at the Mist as caterers.  We knew everything there was to know about each other.  We were kindred spirits.  We had shared our big secret, one year into our friendship.  Who knew we both had very keen intuition or ESP.   We could tell each other stories for hours and hours and hours.  The longer we got to know each other, the more we could feel how the other felt or actually see where the other one was, without knowing in the typical way.  This extra keen perception was just normal to us.  As we all got off the boat and waited for the rest of the gang to exit, we were shocked.  This could not be happening...

Sean stayed in the boat and  gave a farewell speech.  He talked about how lonely he really was and felt so alone that the only out was death.  We all gasped and begged him to rethink this horrifying plan.  I remember feeling as if I must have been a fare weather buddy if he was gonna take his life.  We all felt that way.  I mean, why would someone who was so loved and surrounded by rich friendships want to die?  How could I have not known?   I mean, Sean and I could feel each others pain and joy no matter what. 

Sean was crying so hard that his tears were  running down his bright red cheeks.  This was the type of cry you'd liken to the crying you did as a kid.  He sounded like a wounded animal.  This did not seem to be like the Sean I knew and loved.  In the next moment which seemed forever, we all witnessed Sean diving off the boat and into the water. The water was so clear we could see him fall to the bottom.  None of us could believe this was actually happening.  Was it a dream we were all having together? This was an absolute nightmare.

We all held on to each other in sheer pain, we could not breathe.  After three hours of the gang looking for Sean, we knew it was over.  Sean was gone and there was nothing we could do about it.  We had the water patrol diving and searching in the deep sea weed for days to find Sean.   When we all left the Minnetonka Mist that night at four in the morning we felt so alone and grief stricken.  I wonder if my pain was anything like the pain Sean had felt before he plunged to his death.  I asked the angels in my dreams that night if Sean was at peace, is he here with me?  I heard nothing, no answer back, even as intuitive as I have been all my life.  I knew when it is someone close to you , you may not feel or hear them on the other side if your grief is to great.  Why, I asked my lord and the angels, why should I be able to intuit other peoples pain on the other side, but not the one I love?

 Weeks later, no answer as to where Sean was.  Every night on the news it was the top story, the  disappearance that no one could ever imagine.   I was not ready to face the world.  My friends and family begged me to get back out into life and live again.    Laura, you have to live again, get out of the house, you need to keep busy, they would say.  I felt like if I did get back to life as normal, it would somehow say I was not honoring Sean, or honoring the real grief I was feeling.  I will try to go out and try to be normal.   I don't know how the rest of the gang felt, but I did not think I could  get back into my life again.

  I ran to the local Walgreen's to get aspirin for my child who was battling a headache.  As I walked into the Walgreen's I spotted a man that looked so much like Sean.  I knew I was grieving so perhaps since this was my first time back out I had just envisioned it to be Sean.  Things like this happen when one is grieving a loss.  Sometimes it is hard for me to distinguish the difference between my visions and reality.  I knew all the steps of grief as a psychotherapist by trade.  I went down the isles and felt the pangs of my loss.  No one or nothing felt normal to me.  The world looked darker to me and my happy demeanor was replaced by sadness, anxiety and pain. I dragged my feet through the store as if an anchor had been clasped to my leg. 

I walked out to my Jeep Cherokee in a daze.  My heart was so heavy and I felt I would never be the same.  I got into my car ready to go home and share with my twin sister what the first day out was like.  She may tell me I am crazy.  No, She will understand, she is my twin and knows grief herself.  She also knows that I am intuitive and perhaps I did see Sean. 

I fumbled to turn the car ignition on.  I plopped my  bag from Walgreen's on the passenger seat.  I sighed hoping that this day would end soon, it was too hard to have Sean in my mind and on my heart and know I could never hold him again.  We were best friends, but as of late, our friendship turned into a story book love affair.  I had heard stories of best friends ending up together as lovers, but this was so amazing that I would ask my twin sister to pinch me, I was so happy.  I knew Sean felt the same.  I could count on him telling me daily how much he loved me and my children.  He wanted to marry me now, but I told him if this is for the rest of our lives, lets wait till my kids graduate.  Our love will only be stronger then.  Our relationship was so solid.  I had never had a relationship like this before with a man.  I knew that Sean and I were supposed to be together and the timing was just right.  The divine plan was here and it was set.  Sean  always respected my opinions, especially when it came to  my motherhood intuitions or when it came to my children. 

My heart ache was too much to bear.  I felt like my head weighed down my entire body.  My whole being ached in emotional pain.  Why, I asked God and my angels, would this happen when Sean and I were so in love?

I turned to switch my car radio on, and in my peripheral vision I saw Sean.  Am I dreaming,  I asked myself?  There he was, Sean sitting in the front seat looking chipper as if nothing ever happened.  Sean I said, how can you be here right now, you died jumping to your death into Lake Minnetonka?  He was dressed in a pair of worn jeans that had a hole in each leg.  His tight body filled his Levi jeans.  I felt so excited.   His shirt was a Hollister button up, a blue pin striped shirt that showed his well formed arms and chest.  He looked so great.  How could this be?

Sean saw my excitement and awe and grabbed my face.  He gently kissed my mouth for what seemed one moment.  It was one hour later when Sean explained what had happened to him.  We were blubbering like two high school kids in love, telling each other how much we loved each other and couldn't stop kissing.  My heart was open again and I felt as if the world was back to normal.  The black I saw earlier in life turned to a bright radiant light.  I felt like Sean and I were given a second chance. 

A second chance, can this really happen?  I could not believe my best friend was back.  I could not wait to let Linda, my twin, know that a miracle occurred and the nightmare of Sean's death was over.  I asked Sean if he had contacted his parents to let them know he was OK?  This is when Sean told me what had happened.  .......

I felt the warm gentle wind blowing my covers back and forth.  I keep my windows open and the wind against my face felt safe and comforting.  I rolled over and next to me laid Sean.  He turned to me and said like he always did, "Good morning sunshine."  I grabbed Sean so hard and kissed him even harder. " Woe, Laura, you look as if you have seen a ghost."  Sean,  you died, you died, but thank God it was just a dream.  It seemed so real.  I  love you so much Sean, " I love you too Laura." We held on to each other knowing we were given a second chance.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Rain Rain Go Away

Hi Blogger buddies.  It has been raining in my area for one week now.  I think it is so funny how people do not like rain.  I actually welcome the rain since we needed it badly here in the western suburbs of a metropolis in Minnesota.  I guess they should be happy that they do not live in Washington, or do they?

I have been on a biking regement for four weeks now.  I started my biking goal because I wanted to feel better physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  I wanted to be active with my kids instead of tiring out soon after we started the activity.    I have always been able to keep up with my kids, but as of late, that was no longer true.  That made me angry, frustrated and sad.  It all started when my home was in a foreclosure, due to a loss of one of two full time jobs.  You heard me right two full time jobs.  When I lost the one job, I could no longer afford my huge mortgage.  Like many, I do use food as a emotional crutch.  This led to weight gain and I Ifelt like crap.  This led me on my journey of biking for better health. 

It has been tough this week because it has been raining so I have not been able to bike.  As an  older, young person, I am not obsessing about the fact that I cannot bike when raining as I know that it will soon be NOT raining. 

Anyway, I love this biking deal.  My activity of choice is power walking, but now biking comes in at first place.    I can't believe that I love biking so much.  I feel so different in four weeks.  My mind is more clear, my clothes fit different, SCORE.  I wanted to be able to journal my journey so others can see if I can do it, anyone can do a activity program and stick with it.

So many of us women in particular are so hard on ourselves as far as weight goes.  I know I am not alone.  I have struggled with weight all my life so really, if I can do it, you can do it.  Here is the hope. 

Stay focused on one day at a time- thinking about biking or any activity too far in the future is too overwhelming. 

Tell someone you care about that your involved in a change, only if it helps you, for some this could hinder. 

Remember that you Can enjoy the journey, don't worry that the results don't happen in one day, one week, one month. 

Pick some activity that you enjoy and know you can actually carry out. 

The time of day you choose is so important.  I knew I could not do any activity consistently unless I did it in the morning.  I am just too tired after work.  Now that I bike to work, I have to bike home.  I also can't believe how much energy I have at the end of the day now because I bike to work. 

The benefits totally outweigh the hardships. 

You have to start your new goal or program when your ready.  So many times, I wanted to start but I knew it would set me up to fail.  I started when I knew I was in the right state of mind.  This can be a hard thing to figure out, but you will know. 

Good luck to you and your new program.  Be gentle with yourself so you can succeed.  Remember, it is ok to take a break once and a while.  Keep your mind focused on the outcome and you will do it. 

I am still on after four weeks and that is not normal for me.  Please have fun and get fit. Good health is a gift, for you and your children.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

In Love With Biking

Week 3

The third week of biking.  What an incredible difference. My body feels different, my clothes fit different and my mind is much more clear and I am happier.  Now I am not only biking to work, but am biking for leisure.  Who would of thunk it?  The pain in biking that comes with the uphill battle, if you know what I mean, is now, not so bad . It is totally doable and with very little panting.  I am enjoying biking now as much as my power walking.

I used to run back in the day, and did some 5 &10 K runs and one marathon.  Then, my twin convinced me that power walking was even better and less hard on the bones.  She was right, I fell in love with walking.  I have walked many years, too many to tell outloud. 

So here it is, I love biking now and actually dream about it because I am wanting to bike as often as I can because it feels so nice.  There is nothing better than observing nature on every block on a bike.  Feeling each bump and smooth plane as if one were flying. 

It is mother's day today.  What a great gift I recieved by going for a bike ride with  my son.  How awesome is that?  Jacob was trailing way behind me and I said " Jacob, are you going slow to let me know on mothers day what a great biker I am"? He laughed and told me that his tires were low.  Ok, I will believe that, only because I squeezed his tires and they really are low in air. 

Jacob and I rode down to our local park, passing many smiley faced families at the park playing tennis and biking.  We then rode by the tennis courts and over a brown, old wooden bridge.  It leads to a bike path.  It is woven with canopies of trees and  makes you feel as if your a queen or king riding under the cover.  Then, to the smooth sidewalks that lined the neighborhoods. 

The ride ends up in our neighborhood.  We stop at a neighbors garden that we have been told it would help them out if we picked some of their rhuebard.  That is exactly what we did.  I picked about five nice size rhuebard for a late night snack.  Ummn what a grand mothers day.

Peel Rhuebard and cut in small 1 inch bites.  Salt it & let it sweat for a half hour.  You will be amazed to see how easy and great it tastes.  I grew up picking rhuebard and green apples and learning to salt both and eat as a great snack. 

I want to end this post by saying how much I love motherhood.  As grumpy as my tween girl gets on some days and tunnel visioned my tween boy gets, I would not trade motherhood for anything.  I love being a mom and I thank God he blessed me with my amazing children.

Friday, May 7, 2010

Going to Hear My Future Little Country Girl

Children are our future.  Tonight I will be listening to my daughters best friend singing country at a local ballroom.  I am so proud of her.  Her name is Devon and has always loved to be in the lime light.  I am sure this is why my daughter Ellie and Devon  get along so well. Devon is like my second daughter and always has been since I have met her.  Both girls met at Holy Name of Jesus Catholic school.  They were two peas in a pod.  Devon is now at a performing arts school and believe me, she fits in great there. 

My daughter is so excited to go see her friend perform and so am I.  Giddy are we.  I think my daughter has been getting ready to go for two hours.  I am not kidding either.  Young tweens, what a trip.  I was once one of these, so I totally get it.

By, out for the night with my daughter and daughter.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Mind Matters- Stress and How to Deal with it-

Our society prides itself on the fast and productive lifestyle.  As technology becomes even more intelligent, we are running as if we have a race to win.  What happened to being home from work and actually relaxing.   Drive-in's, fast food, running here, there and everywhere.  Have you ever asked your self, " what is it all for?"  We should take a step back and remember that we need to pay attention to what our mind and body is telling us.  As a society, ulcers, gastro-intestinal issues, migraines and anxiety are common place.  Are we listening?   As a psychotherapist in the field, what I hear most is how do I juggle everything that life is throwing at me?

First, remember, you do not have to keep this fast pace.  It is a choice.  Slow down and smell the roses.  Stress comes in two forms:  One is the normal every day stress we all have to deal with as human beings.  To live in our physical world means that stress is going to occur.  The second type of stress is the stress we feel when we have a life changing event that is positive, but it is still stress.  This stress is eustress.  Again eustress is a God given fact of life. 

The stress factor in which we have control over is where we should focus our minds and hearts.  Let's face it, life is hard.  Life has joys and life has pain.  Lets look at ways we can find our serenity and change the life choices we are making. 

  • Self Care- This may sound simple and cliche' but really ask your self how your self care looks.  Are you paying attention to nutrition, exercise, and participating in ways to feed your soul?

  • If you pray or meditate, are you setting times during the day to focus your energy here?
It is true that "birds of a feather, flock together."  Are you surrounding your self with those of whom you feel positive around?  I am always amazed when people keep hanging around those who pull them down or are psychic vampires.  Please love your self and ask how you feel after your with your  friends and family.  If your energy is drained after an  interaction, you need to think about why your with that person. 

  • Balance is the key.  Look at all the areas in your life.  Write a list of those areas and how much time your spending on them.  Where are you putting your energy?  That is the question to ask and if you find your putting too much energy into one area, that is where the stress will start to show. 
Go outside tonight and gaze at the stars.  What a wonder and joy it is to look at God's creation.  It is free for the taking.

Biking This Spring

I will admit week two biking to work was so much easier.  My body did not feel like lead and I actually felt like I was flying on my bike.  It is amazing to me that each day gets more freeing and fun.   My three big hills are less of a pain than they were on day one .  I finally found the perfect trail.  I have it down pat, as week one, I got lost on the trails and went double what I should have.  One day I ended up going half way home and then found myself near work again.  On another day going to work, I ended up near Minneapolis.  Oh well, I now know what not to do. 

On an emotional level, each day takes less psychic energy.  I feel as my bike and I are one.  I am normally an avid power walker but have found biking to be so gratifying.   I am  happier,even though I am a cup half full person on any given day.  I actually have to stop myself after work from tackling too many projects because biking has given me so much more energy.  I was coming home from work before I started my biking goal, exhausted.  I now have so much energy reserve, I really get so much done.  I am super woman

I am so much more alert and " in the moment with my children".  I find I am much more patient and focused.  I am kicking butt at work too, producing like crazy.

Anywho, I really wanted to share this journey with you as it is so liberating.